How do you know the person you are with is ‘the one’? The simple answer is that you can’t, because there is no ‘one’. There is no magical person you are supposed to end up with, no matter the romantic notions of fate. There is no soul mate who is the only person you were meant to walk the earth with, for the rest of your days. Why is it that I can say this with such certainty? Because I know that relationships, any relationships, take work. But when it comes to a long term romantic commitment, it takes even more effort to keep you strong. This is not something that is meant to happen with one single person. You meet someone, you fall for them, you want to spend your life with them, and so you work on that

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As counter-intuitive as this, she’ll actually disrespect you if you take this “influencing” stuff get too far. Don’t be a wuss, but at the same time don’t be a dictator. Maintain your sense of individuality and identity but also be willing to be influenced by her opinion. When you strike a healthy balance between the two, you guys can literally get through anything. 5. Solve Your Solvable Problems (find a compromise for problems that can be resolved) 6. Overcome Gridlock (for permanent issues such as differences in religion, learn to empathize and understand where your partner’s view – agree to disagree) 7. Create Shared Meaning (create a shared value system that gets strengthened through family rituals)

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Principles For Making Marriage Work is a solid book. I’d definitely recommend any guy whose in a relationship to take a look at it. Many of the issues he talks about are things every couple goes through. Things like housework (i.e. doing the dishes), money, in-laws and all sorts of BS all couples go through are broken down in detail. At the very least, you’ll come away with a few “ah-ha” moments and have a better understanding of how to successfully manage your relationship for the long term.

Let Your Partner Influence You (maintain your identity and individualism, but be open-minded towards your partners opinion and be open to allow them to influence you) Gottman advises couples, specifically guys, to be more open in letting their partner influence them. Basically don’t be stubborn, close-minded, and a friggin’ dictator in the relationship. Respect to your girlfriends opinion and be open to letting her influence you. When this occurs on both ends, the two of you can get through virtually any problem. The caveat with this is to share your power, not give it away. I see too many guys literally bending over backwards for their girlfriends, trying to please them and make them happy in any way possible. For example, say you’re planning on going to an Italian restaurant that night and she says, I don’t want to get other, I want to go to the Mexican restaurant. “Most dorks would, ohhh yes dear, whatever you’d like!” This is not be open minded to being influenced, this is called being a bitch.

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However in a long term relationship this ain’t the case. When you’ve seen and had sex the same Boston woman everyday for years on end, have heard her fart and seen her shit and experienced all the ups and downs of a relationship on a day to day level, romance is about continually making small efforts to let her know you’re still wild about her. It’s secretly leaving a note inside her lunch bag that tells her how much you care for her. It’s leaving 2 minute voicemail to cheer her up, if you know she’s having a bad day. If you know she’s been swamped at work, it’s about making her favorite tea for her to enjoy when she finally gets home. Romance isn’t about candle lit dinners, writing love poems or all the other nonsense Hollywood movies makes us believe. It’s about expressing how you feel about a person in subtle ways during the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

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